I have attempted to post the next segment of the series I have started for the past week or so, and haven't been able to put everything down yet. I will be continuing on it soon.
Today however, I opened my Bible, and a portion jumped out at me, and I feel I need to share it.
Isaiah 41:1-4 (NLT)
1"Listen in silence before me, you lands beyond the sea. Bring your strongest arguments. Come now and speak. The court is ready for your case."
2"Who has stirred up this king from the east, rightly calling him to God's service? Who gives this man victory over many nations and permits him to trample their kings underfoot? With his sword, he reduces armies to dust. With his bow, he scatters them like chaff before the wind."
3" He chases them away and goes on safely, though he is walking over unfamiliar ground."
4" Who has done such mighty deeds, summoning each new generation from the beginning of time? It is I, the Lord, the First and the Last. I alone am he."
How Great is our God!!! He has called all nations to a trial to prove that He alone is God!!
Wow! There is nothing or no one greater than our God, no circumstance He hasn't foreseen, nothing He can't handle!! We have to stand firm in the knowledge that He is our God, our protector from outside forces. Someone is struggling with a force against their home, their family, and them personally. Stand firm in God, He will shut the lions mouths. He will give you strength! He hears your cries, and He alone will bring you through this valley. Look up and know that He is God!! Hallelujah!!! Thank you Jesus!!!
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
memories, heartache, miracles
Did you know that God grants miracles for his children even when they are being rebellious? I know, because he has done this for me over and over, miracle after miracle, bringing me back to where He wants me. It makes since though, earthly parents still love their children even when they are doing wrong, even when they aren't doing what they should be doing. God's love for us is even greater than any parent's love for a child. No matter where we are or what we have done, He loves His children. I gave my heart to Jesus when I was very young, in the old nursery, in the front of our old church, with my mom holding my hands, praying for me, and leading me to my Heavenly Father.
As I got older, I didn't talk to Him as much, didn't lean on Him as I should have. I was a follower of the crowd, you might say. I wanted to be liked and accepted by others and along the way, I lost the close relationship with my Heavenly Father. In turn made a lot of mistakes that could have been avoided if I had just listened.
When I was expecting my first born child, I tried to live the life I should, I taught Sunday School, and was very involved in church activities. After he was born, I went through some sort of depression, and slipped back again. I kept trying to 'do right' on my own, only giving pieces of myself to Him, when He requires all of me. This, I realize is where I kept messing up. Too much pride in self to give everything over, and too much stubbornness too.
So, I went looking for love everywhere but the cross, all my adult life, and everywhere I went I slipped further down that slippery slope. I remarried when I was nineteen years old, my second marriage. Again I chose not to marry for love, but for need. My son needed a father, I told myself it was a normal thing. People get married all the time like this and grow to love each other over time. He was my friend, and he was fun, that was enough right? I could love him, I did in a way, just not the way a wife should love a husband, not unconditional love. (I don't think you can have that kind of love without Christ center in your life.)
Three weeks before the wedding, on November 17, 2002, I lost our first child.
Proceed with the wedding is all I heard, it will take your mind off of things. Everything was a haze. I felt so alone. I was depressed. My parents and his mom came to stay with me, but I sent them away to care for my son. The doctor had said there's nothing he could do, if the baby is going to be lost he couldn't stop it, it was too early. So, I lay in bed laboring all night alone in my apartment, praying for God to save it, until it was over. My second child was gone to be with Jesus, and I felt like a failure. My mom came the next morning with my son, my future mother-in-law came, I was out of it, I couldn't even call my future husband and tell him what had happened, because he was off on assignment somewhere and would not be able to get away. I had to pretend everything was ok when he called, so as not to worry him, and wait and tell him when he got home. I felt like I was not there, I was just watching everything go on around me. This couldn't be happening.
Proceed with the wedding, don't let people think that the baby was the reason for the marriage. I told myself this over and over. I was falling apart inside. I questioned God over and over. I ran that day over & over in my head. 'I visited mom at work, I drove down to see Granlere, we prayed, I came home, still no pain, only light spotting. I called his mom, went to ER - nothing to do but wait. I sent my son with my daddy- I needed to be at my home - alone. Then the pain, contractions all night, nothing to do, couldn't stop it, then it was over.' "what went wrong" oh- I tortured my self with this question for years afterward. The answer, nothing. It was part of God's will for my life to endure, for a higher purpose, to make me stronger for what was to come...
I got married and conceived again on the honeymoon. I was scared to death." How? The doctor put me on pills, we were supposed to wait six months before trying? Why didn't the pills work? It has only been three weeks since our loss, Am I ready for this?"...
As I got older, I didn't talk to Him as much, didn't lean on Him as I should have. I was a follower of the crowd, you might say. I wanted to be liked and accepted by others and along the way, I lost the close relationship with my Heavenly Father. In turn made a lot of mistakes that could have been avoided if I had just listened.
When I was expecting my first born child, I tried to live the life I should, I taught Sunday School, and was very involved in church activities. After he was born, I went through some sort of depression, and slipped back again. I kept trying to 'do right' on my own, only giving pieces of myself to Him, when He requires all of me. This, I realize is where I kept messing up. Too much pride in self to give everything over, and too much stubbornness too.
So, I went looking for love everywhere but the cross, all my adult life, and everywhere I went I slipped further down that slippery slope. I remarried when I was nineteen years old, my second marriage. Again I chose not to marry for love, but for need. My son needed a father, I told myself it was a normal thing. People get married all the time like this and grow to love each other over time. He was my friend, and he was fun, that was enough right? I could love him, I did in a way, just not the way a wife should love a husband, not unconditional love. (I don't think you can have that kind of love without Christ center in your life.)
Three weeks before the wedding, on November 17, 2002, I lost our first child.
Proceed with the wedding is all I heard, it will take your mind off of things. Everything was a haze. I felt so alone. I was depressed. My parents and his mom came to stay with me, but I sent them away to care for my son. The doctor had said there's nothing he could do, if the baby is going to be lost he couldn't stop it, it was too early. So, I lay in bed laboring all night alone in my apartment, praying for God to save it, until it was over. My second child was gone to be with Jesus, and I felt like a failure. My mom came the next morning with my son, my future mother-in-law came, I was out of it, I couldn't even call my future husband and tell him what had happened, because he was off on assignment somewhere and would not be able to get away. I had to pretend everything was ok when he called, so as not to worry him, and wait and tell him when he got home. I felt like I was not there, I was just watching everything go on around me. This couldn't be happening.
Proceed with the wedding, don't let people think that the baby was the reason for the marriage. I told myself this over and over. I was falling apart inside. I questioned God over and over. I ran that day over & over in my head. 'I visited mom at work, I drove down to see Granlere, we prayed, I came home, still no pain, only light spotting. I called his mom, went to ER - nothing to do but wait. I sent my son with my daddy- I needed to be at my home - alone. Then the pain, contractions all night, nothing to do, couldn't stop it, then it was over.' "what went wrong" oh- I tortured my self with this question for years afterward. The answer, nothing. It was part of God's will for my life to endure, for a higher purpose, to make me stronger for what was to come...
I got married and conceived again on the honeymoon. I was scared to death." How? The doctor put me on pills, we were supposed to wait six months before trying? Why didn't the pills work? It has only been three weeks since our loss, Am I ready for this?"...
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Miracles...
This is the first of a series of posts to come about the miracles in my life...
I will start with my oldest boy monkey. After several "false alarms" (and I do mean several) lol, I was admitted to the hospital right before Christmas to be induced to deliver my first born son. The labor was not bad (as far as labor is concerned), it lasted about twelve and a half long hours. Both of my parents were in the room with me, I wanted them both to share in this new life with me.
Let me back up a little, I got married when I was seventeen, I was a very rebellious teenager, who thought life outside of my house just had to be the way. Looking back, my life at home was wonderful, I have the best parents anyone could ask for, there are none better. I very much regret that I did not appreciate my life then. I was raised in church, and knew I was not living right. But I was running. After just three months of marriage, I found out there was a new life coming. I was scared to death, about the same time, I found out "who I was married to" so to speak, I won't go into a lot of details, but I will say that even though I had a 'wild streak' I was always adamantly against drugs of any kind. I started finding things in my house, and all I could think was this child will never have a chance here, and I later found out that was very true for a number of reasons... So, I called my family they welcomed me back with open arms, without any judgement for what I had put them through. Which is another story altogether, not to be told yet.
So there we three were in the delivery room, getting ready to welcome a new member to our little family. During the very last stages of delivery, my little boy's heart stopped beating. I had never been so afraid in all my life! I just prayed and held onto my parents with everything in me as I was rushed into an operating room, past my sister, and my grandparents in the hall who were crying and assuring their prayers until a safe delivery, and pray they did, the whole time. The doctors began the operation, while giving me more pain medicine, because the epidural was already beginning to wear off. They allowed my mom in the operating room with me, and they let my dad observe from the door, against hospital regulations, but they would not leave me, and I would not let them leave either. After a very few minutes, I heard the most beautiful sound in all the world, my baby was screaming! He was alive, and mad!! The doctor later told us that the cord was around his neck, they got to him just in time! Oh, he was the most beautiful little boy in all the world, and he was healthy! All 6 lbs, 9 oz of him!
As the days past, we realized that he had an eating problem, he was fed with a syringe at first then a preemie bottle. He could not nurse. At the time, we were all just very grateful to have him, that we didn't think too much about it, he just had to get my nourishment a different way. But now looking back I think that was maybe the first sign there was something different about him. He grew and matured normally until it came time to walk, which he did not do until he was 19 months old, and he did not talk until he was about 4 and a half. He has been in speech therapy, language therapy, physical therapy, and occupational therapy, since he was just over a year old. We have been searching for the eluding answers ever since. Recently we were told he has autistic disorder, and mild cerebral palsy which were both suspected. They are sill running more tests to assure that nothing has been missed in his treatment... This boy has been through so much in his young life, he was adopted by my second husband, his brother's dad, when we were married before his first birthday, and officially a little while later. Recently this dad decided he did not want to be that to him anymore. He still does not quite understand this, but thankfully has blocked most of these things that have happened out, he still asks 'why' sometimes, but not as much anymore. You see my husband, the love of my life, has filled that void for him, with all the love a father has for a son. That little boy tells anyone who will listen who his dad is, and that he loves him very much!
This little sunshine that was formed by God and was almost lost at the beginning, is the one who brought my family back together. He has brought so much happiness into our lives! Loving, that is the one word that describes this little gift. He always has hugs for all those people in his life he loves. He has so much love to give, that is God's gift to this world, to our family, the love of this child.
It amazes me that there are those out there who can not see God's love in children such as these. What a wonderful gift God gave me for Christmas that year!
I will start with my oldest boy monkey. After several "false alarms" (and I do mean several) lol, I was admitted to the hospital right before Christmas to be induced to deliver my first born son. The labor was not bad (as far as labor is concerned), it lasted about twelve and a half long hours. Both of my parents were in the room with me, I wanted them both to share in this new life with me.
Let me back up a little, I got married when I was seventeen, I was a very rebellious teenager, who thought life outside of my house just had to be the way. Looking back, my life at home was wonderful, I have the best parents anyone could ask for, there are none better. I very much regret that I did not appreciate my life then. I was raised in church, and knew I was not living right. But I was running. After just three months of marriage, I found out there was a new life coming. I was scared to death, about the same time, I found out "who I was married to" so to speak, I won't go into a lot of details, but I will say that even though I had a 'wild streak' I was always adamantly against drugs of any kind. I started finding things in my house, and all I could think was this child will never have a chance here, and I later found out that was very true for a number of reasons... So, I called my family they welcomed me back with open arms, without any judgement for what I had put them through. Which is another story altogether, not to be told yet.
So there we three were in the delivery room, getting ready to welcome a new member to our little family. During the very last stages of delivery, my little boy's heart stopped beating. I had never been so afraid in all my life! I just prayed and held onto my parents with everything in me as I was rushed into an operating room, past my sister, and my grandparents in the hall who were crying and assuring their prayers until a safe delivery, and pray they did, the whole time. The doctors began the operation, while giving me more pain medicine, because the epidural was already beginning to wear off. They allowed my mom in the operating room with me, and they let my dad observe from the door, against hospital regulations, but they would not leave me, and I would not let them leave either. After a very few minutes, I heard the most beautiful sound in all the world, my baby was screaming! He was alive, and mad!! The doctor later told us that the cord was around his neck, they got to him just in time! Oh, he was the most beautiful little boy in all the world, and he was healthy! All 6 lbs, 9 oz of him!
As the days past, we realized that he had an eating problem, he was fed with a syringe at first then a preemie bottle. He could not nurse. At the time, we were all just very grateful to have him, that we didn't think too much about it, he just had to get my nourishment a different way. But now looking back I think that was maybe the first sign there was something different about him. He grew and matured normally until it came time to walk, which he did not do until he was 19 months old, and he did not talk until he was about 4 and a half. He has been in speech therapy, language therapy, physical therapy, and occupational therapy, since he was just over a year old. We have been searching for the eluding answers ever since. Recently we were told he has autistic disorder, and mild cerebral palsy which were both suspected. They are sill running more tests to assure that nothing has been missed in his treatment... This boy has been through so much in his young life, he was adopted by my second husband, his brother's dad, when we were married before his first birthday, and officially a little while later. Recently this dad decided he did not want to be that to him anymore. He still does not quite understand this, but thankfully has blocked most of these things that have happened out, he still asks 'why' sometimes, but not as much anymore. You see my husband, the love of my life, has filled that void for him, with all the love a father has for a son. That little boy tells anyone who will listen who his dad is, and that he loves him very much!
This little sunshine that was formed by God and was almost lost at the beginning, is the one who brought my family back together. He has brought so much happiness into our lives! Loving, that is the one word that describes this little gift. He always has hugs for all those people in his life he loves. He has so much love to give, that is God's gift to this world, to our family, the love of this child.
It amazes me that there are those out there who can not see God's love in children such as these. What a wonderful gift God gave me for Christmas that year!
Friday, October 16, 2009
Prayer Request
Wednesday night, one of my monkeys went to bed with a very high fever, very weak, and very sick. To the doctor for tests yesterday morning, he has the swine flu, strep throat, and the croup. He has already lost 5 pounds, that he couldn't afford to loose from his skinny self. He has a heart condition, and asthma. He is on several different breathing treatments right now to strengthen his lungs. He needs much prayer. All five monkeys are taking the same meds to hopefully prevent them from getting sick. The littlest started the croupy cough this morning, no fever though. Please pray for our babies! Thank you!
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Late last night I had a need to get out by myself for a little while. I wound up headed to Walmart and decided to get myself some flowers for my birthday, I have done this the past couple of years, because there is nothing better than waking up on your birthday with flowers! I was feeling kinda down last night with a lot on my mind. I walked in to find the perfect birthday flowers, and what jumped out at me?? A bouquet of Purple daises!!! I knew they were for me. I took them home, trimmed them up and put them in a glass of water by my bed. When I woke up this morning, it was like getting that call that never failed on my birthday every year from Aunt Wanda! I felt so close to her this morning! I remember she never once forgot to call me on my special day and was usually the first (after mom and dad) to wish me a happy day, and I love you! I am so blessed to have my family, every year all of my aunts, uncles, and grandparents call me on this day, they never forget. I love you all so much!!! You make my birthday great every year!
A miracle happened this morning. God sent his angels down around our little boy. He rides a handicap bus to school every morning, it was still dark out when he got ready to get on this morning. There is an aide on the bus that helps the kids on and off the bus. As usual he walked across the road and got our boy's hand to lead him across to get on the bus. There were cars lined up on either side of the bus waiting. Over the hill a semi did not see that there were cars stopped for the bus. He could not stop in time. I had just stepped back inside the house when I heard the horrible sound of that semi horn. We ran outside just in time to see him fish tailing around the bus that held our boy, and go in and out of the ditch at our driveway dodging all the cars. He didn't hit a single one, and everything kept going on like it had not just happened! Thank you Jesus for keeping our son safe and preventing what could have been a devastating accident!! What a wonderful birthday gift to feel God so close this morning!!
A miracle happened this morning. God sent his angels down around our little boy. He rides a handicap bus to school every morning, it was still dark out when he got ready to get on this morning. There is an aide on the bus that helps the kids on and off the bus. As usual he walked across the road and got our boy's hand to lead him across to get on the bus. There were cars lined up on either side of the bus waiting. Over the hill a semi did not see that there were cars stopped for the bus. He could not stop in time. I had just stepped back inside the house when I heard the horrible sound of that semi horn. We ran outside just in time to see him fish tailing around the bus that held our boy, and go in and out of the ditch at our driveway dodging all the cars. He didn't hit a single one, and everything kept going on like it had not just happened! Thank you Jesus for keeping our son safe and preventing what could have been a devastating accident!! What a wonderful birthday gift to feel God so close this morning!!
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Creating...
Childhood...
Such a precious gift in life, being young and carefree. Of course you don't notice it at the time, you are just waiting for the milestone birthdays' to prove you as 'grown up'. It is funny how all children can't wait to grow up, while most adults wish for their childhood back.
My childhood was wonderful! I have great memories from each place I lived growing up. Among the early memories, is one of my mom in her sewing room in the back of my Granlere's barn, and my dad doing wood work inside the barn. I, as usual was running back and forth between the two gathering their scraps so that I could create something my very own. I found a heart shaped piece of wood from my dad's work station, not a perfect heart, but it looked good enough for my 6 year old eyes. Along with several scraps of material, when I say scraps I mean exactly that, narrow trash pieces no more than a few inches long.(My mom did not believe in throwing any material out, unless it was absolutely unusable for anything at all, the smaller scraps she used to make my sister and I some Barbie clothes, and such) Any way, I was so excited about my find, my treasures as I called them, that I couldn't wait to run right next door to our house and start gluing it all together, to make something new. Later I hid my prize underneath the tree skirt of our Christmas tree for my mom to find her very original, very "me" gift!
Thinking about how I took that less than perfect shaped heart to turn it into a prize, a gift, makes me think of our Savior, how He takes our misshapen, broken down hearts, remakes them into a beautiful prize for all the world to see, and rejoice in the new creature He has made! The pleasure I remember feeling creating this gift, can be nothing compared to the pleasure God feels when He creates a new life to serve Him! It still amazes me, just how much He cares for me!! I LOVE JESUS!! (repeat) YES I DO!! (repeat)I LOVE JESUS!!(repeat) HOW ABOUT YOU?!(repeat) I LOVE JESUS YES I DO I LOVE JESUS HOW ABOUT YOU!! (repeat) (my kids and I love to shout this song)!!
Such a precious gift in life, being young and carefree. Of course you don't notice it at the time, you are just waiting for the milestone birthdays' to prove you as 'grown up'. It is funny how all children can't wait to grow up, while most adults wish for their childhood back.
My childhood was wonderful! I have great memories from each place I lived growing up. Among the early memories, is one of my mom in her sewing room in the back of my Granlere's barn, and my dad doing wood work inside the barn. I, as usual was running back and forth between the two gathering their scraps so that I could create something my very own. I found a heart shaped piece of wood from my dad's work station, not a perfect heart, but it looked good enough for my 6 year old eyes. Along with several scraps of material, when I say scraps I mean exactly that, narrow trash pieces no more than a few inches long.(My mom did not believe in throwing any material out, unless it was absolutely unusable for anything at all, the smaller scraps she used to make my sister and I some Barbie clothes, and such) Any way, I was so excited about my find, my treasures as I called them, that I couldn't wait to run right next door to our house and start gluing it all together, to make something new. Later I hid my prize underneath the tree skirt of our Christmas tree for my mom to find her very original, very "me" gift!
Thinking about how I took that less than perfect shaped heart to turn it into a prize, a gift, makes me think of our Savior, how He takes our misshapen, broken down hearts, remakes them into a beautiful prize for all the world to see, and rejoice in the new creature He has made! The pleasure I remember feeling creating this gift, can be nothing compared to the pleasure God feels when He creates a new life to serve Him! It still amazes me, just how much He cares for me!! I LOVE JESUS!! (repeat) YES I DO!! (repeat)I LOVE JESUS!!(repeat) HOW ABOUT YOU?!(repeat) I LOVE JESUS YES I DO I LOVE JESUS HOW ABOUT YOU!! (repeat) (my kids and I love to shout this song)!!
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Trust
This is harder to put into words than I thought, I have already deleted everything four times!
Why is trusting so hard?
For me it is the hardest of all things. I have always struggled with being able to trust people, for as long as I can remember I have been let down by almost everyone I have come in contact with in my life (not including my wonderful family). I still struggle with this one issue more than any other, because when things seem to be going good, I am awaiting that next shoe to drop. What I have come to realize is, people are going to let you down, in the worst possible ways. People are unreliable. You have to understand this truly to get to the place where you can know that no matter what you say or do, you can't stop people from being people, that's what they are, imperfect. They will let you down. They will sometimes hurt you, and reject you. This is all very dismal, but also very true.
There is only One you can truly trust... God is perfect! He is reliable! He will never let you down! He will NEVER hurt or reject you! He is the only One who can love you unconditionally. He is the only One you can TRUST Fully!! When you get to the place where God's love takes center stage in your life and you can really give all of your trust to Him to take care of you. Only then can you be alright with yourself, in Him, and let the everyday worries go. Those worries of being able to trust in others not to hurt you . When others let you down, because they will - they are just people; you can trust in Him to see you through the hurt. He will wrap His loving arms around you and hold you while you cry, and He will lift you up and make everything feel alright again! I know because He has done that for me many times, and still does whenever I need Him to.
To trust is to put all your faith in God, not man. God will deal with the rest!
Why is trusting so hard?
For me it is the hardest of all things. I have always struggled with being able to trust people, for as long as I can remember I have been let down by almost everyone I have come in contact with in my life (not including my wonderful family). I still struggle with this one issue more than any other, because when things seem to be going good, I am awaiting that next shoe to drop. What I have come to realize is, people are going to let you down, in the worst possible ways. People are unreliable. You have to understand this truly to get to the place where you can know that no matter what you say or do, you can't stop people from being people, that's what they are, imperfect. They will let you down. They will sometimes hurt you, and reject you. This is all very dismal, but also very true.
There is only One you can truly trust... God is perfect! He is reliable! He will never let you down! He will NEVER hurt or reject you! He is the only One who can love you unconditionally. He is the only One you can TRUST Fully!! When you get to the place where God's love takes center stage in your life and you can really give all of your trust to Him to take care of you. Only then can you be alright with yourself, in Him, and let the everyday worries go. Those worries of being able to trust in others not to hurt you . When others let you down, because they will - they are just people; you can trust in Him to see you through the hurt. He will wrap His loving arms around you and hold you while you cry, and He will lift you up and make everything feel alright again! I know because He has done that for me many times, and still does whenever I need Him to.
To trust is to put all your faith in God, not man. God will deal with the rest!
Updates...
I am sorry it has been so long in between posts... My dear mommy tells me often, just write about your day, doctors appts, etc. I always tell her I just like to wait to be inspired on a topic... but I do plan to start writing more often.
First, Keep praying for sweet Angel and her family! They have sent her daddy home, not because he is well enough to be there, but because the family insurance ran out! I know I still can't believe it myself, he should be in a rehab facility recovering, and learning to walk again... The family is doing everything possible to care for the girls and their parents right now, and really need to be lifted up, God is still working in their lives!
Second, The kids are doing well, the middle one is on a new med. now for his ADHD, and is thriving in school!!! Praise the Lord!!! The baby is going for a surgical consult soon with a urologist which I am very nervous about, and the oldest boy is going to the doctor again tomorrow, he did a switch in meds that is not at all working, so we will see what the nest step is tomorrow. The little girl and other sweet boy are both struggling in school right now, I have tried so many things to get them interested in school the way I was, but am running out of ideas... it is a daily task;)
I will go into more detail about each one another day, right now, I am moving on to another post that has been on my heart to share...
First, Keep praying for sweet Angel and her family! They have sent her daddy home, not because he is well enough to be there, but because the family insurance ran out! I know I still can't believe it myself, he should be in a rehab facility recovering, and learning to walk again... The family is doing everything possible to care for the girls and their parents right now, and really need to be lifted up, God is still working in their lives!
Second, The kids are doing well, the middle one is on a new med. now for his ADHD, and is thriving in school!!! Praise the Lord!!! The baby is going for a surgical consult soon with a urologist which I am very nervous about, and the oldest boy is going to the doctor again tomorrow, he did a switch in meds that is not at all working, so we will see what the nest step is tomorrow. The little girl and other sweet boy are both struggling in school right now, I have tried so many things to get them interested in school the way I was, but am running out of ideas... it is a daily task;)
I will go into more detail about each one another day, right now, I am moving on to another post that has been on my heart to share...
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