memories, heartache, miracles

Did you know that God grants miracles for his children even when they are being rebellious? I know, because he has done this for me over and over, miracle after miracle, bringing me back to where He wants me. It makes since though, earthly parents still love their children even when they are doing wrong, even when they aren't doing what they should be doing. God's love for us is even greater than any parent's love for a child. No matter where we are or what we have done, He loves His children. I gave my heart to Jesus when I was very young, in the old nursery, in the front of our old church, with my mom holding my hands, praying for me, and leading me to my Heavenly Father.
As I got older, I didn't talk to Him as much, didn't lean on Him as I should have. I was a follower of the crowd, you might say. I wanted to be liked and accepted by others and along the way, I lost the close relationship with my Heavenly Father. In turn made a lot of mistakes that could have been avoided if I had just listened.
When I was expecting my first born child, I tried to live the life I should, I taught Sunday School, and was very involved in church activities. After he was born, I went through some sort of depression, and slipped back again. I kept trying to 'do right' on my own, only giving pieces of myself to Him, when He requires all of me. This, I realize is where I kept messing up. Too much pride in self to give everything over, and too much stubbornness too.
So, I went looking for love everywhere but the cross, all my adult life, and everywhere I went I slipped further down that slippery slope. I remarried when I was nineteen years old, my second marriage. Again I chose not to marry for love, but for need. My son needed a father, I told myself it was a normal thing. People get married all the time like this and grow to love each other over time. He was my friend, and he was fun, that was enough right? I could love him, I did in a way, just not the way a wife should love a husband, not unconditional love. (I don't think you can have that kind of love without Christ center in your life.)
Three weeks before the wedding, on November 17, 2002, I lost our first child.
Proceed with the wedding is all I heard, it will take your mind off of things. Everything was a haze. I felt so alone. I was depressed. My parents and his mom came to stay with me, but I sent them away to care for my son. The doctor had said there's nothing he could do, if the baby is going to be lost he couldn't stop it, it was too early. So, I lay in bed laboring all night alone in my apartment, praying for God to save it, until it was over. My second child was gone to be with Jesus, and I felt like a failure. My mom came the next morning with my son, my future mother-in-law came, I was out of it, I couldn't even call my future husband and tell him what had happened, because he was off on assignment somewhere and would not be able to get away. I had to pretend everything was ok when he called, so as not to worry him, and wait and tell him when he got home. I felt like I was not there, I was just watching everything go on around me. This couldn't be happening.
Proceed with the wedding, don't let people think that the baby was the reason for the marriage. I told myself this over and over. I was falling apart inside. I questioned God over and over. I ran that day over & over in my head. 'I visited mom at work, I drove down to see Granlere, we prayed, I came home, still no pain, only light spotting. I called his mom, went to ER - nothing to do but wait. I sent my son with my daddy- I needed to be at my home - alone. Then the pain, contractions all night, nothing to do, couldn't stop it, then it was over.' "what went wrong" oh- I tortured my self with this question for years afterward. The answer, nothing. It was part of God's will for my life to endure, for a higher purpose, to make me stronger for what was to come...
I got married and conceived again on the honeymoon. I was scared to death." How? The doctor put me on pills, we were supposed to wait six months before trying? Why didn't the pills work? It has only been three weeks since our loss, Am I ready for this?"...